Somewhere over the Rainbow

A mixture of emotions for me today. I went to a funeral this afternoon. The mum of one of my close friends passed away just before Christmas. Her name was Sylvia Leigh and I’ve known her for about eleven years.

She was a lovely lady, who adored her family and grandchildren. And somehow Aaron got adopted into that circle too. When we first met her, it was at a children’s birthday party, and as her grandchildren were calling her Nan, Aaron just thought he would to, he used to call her Grandma Leigh, and no-one ever thought it was in the least bit strange.

The first time he met her he went to give her one of his hugs, and as anyone who has ever had one of these hugs knows…its no lovey dovey, light hearted hug we’re talking about, we’re talking full on squeeze you to death, pop out your eyeballs, strangle hold here. “Be careful Aaron,” I warned him….”oh I’m not as fragile as I look,” she said defiantly… “I know, but you’ll see” I said smiling…and he hugged her. Only after she turned a deep shade of purple did she laugh and say “fair enough.”

When we were first fundraising for Aaron, despite being in her eighties, she got stuck in, raised quite a bit of money, even went on the radio to promote our bungee jump. I think perhaps someone forgot to tell her she was getting on a bit. Luckily we talked her out of the jump itself….

So her funeral today was mixed emotions for lots of reasons. Obviously there is some sadness at saying goodbye to old friends, then of course, there’s the knowledge that Aaron has another one of his grandmas’ up there with him…I’m sure they’ll be causing havoc together. The songs were two that make me think of Aaron every single time…’somewhere over the rainbow’ and ‘in the arms of the angels’. Needless to say, I blubbed for England.

And the crematorium service was all a little too close to home. The coffin looked so small; it made me wonder how small Aarons looked! Then one of my godchildren got up to speak about her nan and couldn’t get through it, so her dad had to step in and help her, listening to her sob was heartbreaking. But I kept trying to remind myself that, as I was saying the other day, it is a true measure of how much they love their nan and how loved by her they all are.

I was a little shell shocked afterwards, because I don’t remember that much about that part of Aaron’s funeral, I remember staring at his casket dreading the moment when it would go out of sight. People must have been sobbing all around us then too, I just don’t remember it all that much.

It is the first funeral I have attended since Aaron’s and it was going to be hard. But I wanted to be there, it was important to pay my respects and to be there for my friends and my god children.

So this is me saying rest in peace Grandma Leigh, you will be thought of fondly and often.

p.s. don’t let Aaron talk you into doing anything too mad.

xxxxx

Video blog mania!

Hi everyone, Happy New Year. We hope you all had a great Christmas and the hangovers are all totally gone!

I apologise for my absence in all the blogs, we were away visiting family and everywhere we went there was some sort of computer problem, so after losing about twenty blogs…I sort of left it alone. It was lovely to get away, but I did miss the blogging, its become such a great way of getting my thoughts down and off my chest, and also getting some feedback and support for me too.

I went over Trojan's last night and we did our first three (yep, we got carried away after not doing one for so long) video blogs of 2009. Firstly there was a Happy New Year Message that we intended to talk about our hopes and aspirations for 2009, but sort of veered off into talking about new years resolutions and Trojan hinting at something very rude…my lips are sealed on the matter (unless the price is right!!)



We also spoke about my Anthony Robbins experience, as I was lucky enough to go to one of his seminars while we were away, you can find out more, and how helpful it is by watching the blog and reading the written blog too. Of course that was going to be an interview style thing, but it turns out I was still pretty fired up about it and all Trojan could do was step aside and let me rant (makes a change then!)



Thirdly we spoke about different messages we have received and how people who have passed let us know they are still about and watching over us. We chose this subject because a friend recently visited a medium and got a message from a very stubborn Aaron!!! Nice to know he hasn't changed!!!



So we hope you enjoy them, and again thank you for your support, your e-mails and comments. please, keep sending them.

Have a great week,

Sal and Trojan xxxx

Messages of Love.

I got a wonderful and surprising message yesterday, although, I guess I shouldn’t be all that shocked really.

My sister-in-law Kelly rang me to tell me she had a message I might want to hear.

It transpired that a friend of hers (Jodie) had been to visit a medium a few months ago. While Jodie was there, the medium asked her if she knew of a child who had passed and even asked her if she knew someone called Sally. Partly because they were thinking about their own relatives and passed loved ones, they didn’t get it right away, which is totally understandable. Only afterwards did they feel like they could kick themselves for not putting it together.

They went back to the medium again last week, and this time I expect they were more conscious of who might come through they got who was talking straight away.

“I have a child here who won’t move aside, a boy,” said the medium.
(stubborn…hmmm, who could it be???)
“I’m not sure if he is a relation of yours because he is black or mixed race.”
(hmmm, stubborn mixed race boy, we need more clues???)

Of course, I am a blubbering mess by the time we’ve got this far into the conversation, so Kelly paused should I have a stroke or mild cardiac arrest at the actual message!

But it turns out that Aaron just wanted to come through to let us know he was fine, he is busy, and active (no wheelchair) and he is doing better than I am. Of course this blew my cover a little because people think I’m doing better than I am, but hey, if Aaron is doing well, that will help me that’s for sure.

I have the guy’s number and I’m going to phone him and see him as soon as possible. Just in case Aaron has anything else to say.

But what a brilliant start to the year, how wonderful to have certainty that he is still here and watching over us…ready to give me a kick up the bum and remind me not to sit around miserable, because he certainly isn’t.

So thank you Jodie and Kelly and the medium. I went to sleep with a smile on my face and had a lovely dream of Aaron and I playing on a beach and playing in the sea….

Thank you for the message Aaron, my beautiful angel, I am so glad you personality is still as strong as ever, mummy will speak to you very soon.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Motivational...I think so!

Tony Robbins

Something Dave and I did while we were away was to go to an Anthony Robbins seminar. It was brilliant, insightful and exhausting. And it allowed me to let go of some of the guilt I feel over losing Aaron, even though I didn’t know I was carrying it…if that makes any sense.

We went to our first Anthony Robbins seminar a few months after Aaron passed away. I was still at that angry stage of loss and grief when I wanted to punch out complete strangers for looking even slightly happy…because how could anyone be happy, did they not realise that Aaron was gone??? Going to the seminar, helped me let go of some of that anger, and I will be eternally grateful for that. Of course at the time, I didn’t realise there was too much more to it that anger, as that was all encompassing at the time!

I know that motivational speakers, life coaches e.t.c. are not everyone cup of tea, and I respect that. I also believe that whatever will help someone, give someone some peace of mind, some motivation, is a good thing. If I decided that to help with the grief, I wanted to spray myself pink and run around the block naked, there are those that would talk me out of it, laugh even. And those who would ask me what shade of pink I wanted and help me get an even coat as not to embarrass myself with a streaky paint job! I of course would be in the later category for any of my friends.

So while we were talking about life, what drives us, what makes us happy, sad e.t.c. I realised that I had some feelings of guilt about losing Aaron. I guess as a mum I felt that my main job was to keep my children safe. So I also felt like I’d failed because I didn’t do that. Of course any intelligent person knows that at some point in our lives, we will lose someone we love…but intelligence doesn’t come into the grieving process all that much!

I know, I know… using logic, I understand that things were totally out of my control, Aarons condition was nothing I could have done anything about, and I kept on telling myself I did all I could, and I know in my heart that I did, we all did, we kept Aaron fighting as long as he could, I know this in my mind…again, logic, intelligence…of no use to us here!!!

The reality is, is that Aaron still passed away and deep down, I think I should have been able to do something about that.

I know that anyone I know and love, anyone who knows Aaron will be reading this and may be a little surprised. And for that reason, I considered what I was going to write. But the best thing I can do, the most honest thing, the thing that may be able to help anyone else coping with loss, is to just tell it as it is, to put my feeling out there and let you make of them what you will.

For a long time I felt like I had failed Aaron, Dave, the kids in some way by not keeping Aaron safe..here, and in coping with that I began to control everything else in my life, Dave and the kids mainly, but also the housework, the amount of work I did, the writing, the company, the charity. I had to over achieve in every way to satisfy to myself that I wasn’t a failure. I failed in one thing, the most important thing, so I could allow myself another failure, no matter how small. It was a mixture of fear of losing everyone and the need to be in charge, to make myself indispensible, to make sure I was the most important and significant thing…that was my own way of insuring I kept everyone close and safe.

The insomnia, the two hours a night, were in some way a self punishment for me. It was me feeling like I didn’t deserve to get lots of lovely sleep. After all, if I failed Aaron, why would I be sleeping soundly at night? It is really amazing what our subconscious mind talks our body into isn’t it. That’s another reason I never spent time on myself, never allowed myself to relax and just do something for me.

Of course in doing this, not only was it hard to keep up for everyone around me, it wasn’t helping. In fact in acting so possessively, being so shattered, I was shutting off a part of myself to everyone. In my quest not to feel the loss, not to ever have to feel the loss again, I was shutting of the fun, spontaneous part of me that makes me the ‘kick arse’ mum and wife/friend/sister/daughter that I am. (Modest…who me???)

Someone called Alex at the seminar (a grief councillor), gave me the best analogy, it helped me more than I can say and helped me get things into perspective.

I’m going to share it, and if it helps one person in some small way, it will be worth it.

Alex drew me three glass jars, all the same size…each jar depicting my life.
He drew a big red balloon in the first one, completely filling the jar. The red balloon depicted all that is Aaron, his love, his life, the grief…all mixed up together, as it inevitably is. My life as it is now!
In the second jar, he drew a smaller balloon, depicting time passing, the balloon getting smaller.
In the third jar a tiny balloon in the bottom of the jar.
This was exactly what I was afraid off. I had somehow got mixed up, that in feeling the pain and grief less acutely, I was letting all the good stuff go too, that everything about Aaron would diminish.
Then Alex drew me three red balloons in a row, all the same size, all depicting Aaron and all that is Aaron.
Then he drew a jar so the first balloon filled it. My life as it is now!
The second jar was bigger, the third bigger still.
The jars were now depicting MY life and the life of all of us being bigger and richer and more.
Our love and feelings for Aaron and the loss didn’t have to diminish; of course that’s why the balloons were all the same size. Our lives just had to grow around them.

This simple analogy allowed me to foresee a different and better future.

This seems over simple, but it does explain how I feel. I am so terrified that by letting go of the grief, I let go of it all. But I don’t need to, I need to understand that to feel the grief means that I must have loved and been loved fully and undeniably. We all need to know that Aaron and everything that goes with him, the love, the laughter, the adventures, and yes, the grief, stays, it always will, I don’t have to set myself goals of the pain easing, instead I need to embrace life, love, adventures and in doing that, the grief wont be so all consuming.

But I also don’t feel like I have to work to a timescale, live by a set of rules that tell me how to go on with life. Really I just need to let life go on around me, embrace it, and allow myself to feel whatever I need. Feeling grief is what makes us human, if we didn’t care, we didn’t love, we wouldn’t grieve. So I for one am glad I can grieve, because it is the measure of my love.

I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone, if it will help anyone. But it has helped me, Dave and the kids. I guess its how we associate with grief. I will miss Aaron every single day for the rest of my life, but, I will not allow that grief to diminish Aaron’s memory. Aaron would not want me to be miserable, to turn our lives into a military run exercise, rather than the adventure we used to treat it as.

So I learned a lot, whether I wanted to or not. I feel like I and move forward in a different way now, allowing to love and to be loved, allowing the children to grow and let out their own personalities. We are planning our next adventure, and I know Aaron would be very proud; in fact I can almost hearing laughing in my head now (but not in a hearing voices, need to be committed way, I hastily add).

I also have been sleeping six, even seven hours some nights…incredible. I’ll be taking the piss next and having a lay in! and Dave tells me off every time I moan about there really being less hours in the day “poor, poor you,” he whines back at me, “fancy getting some sleep, its terrible.” to which I kindly reply “naff off.” but he has a point.

Well, for anyone who ever has the chance, Anthony Robbins is an experience and a half. It’s not for everyone, but it certainly helped us. So if you want to know more, just ask, I’d be happy to point you in the right direction, even recommend some of his books. He doesn’t sell himself as some mystical guru. He’s just an ordinary guy who has seen a lot, learned a lot and has found some great ways of making people achieve their potential. We’ll be going back and taking as many people with us as we can.

Better go, it must be nap time!!!

Take care

Sal xxxx

Maths Genius!

I’m so proud!!! Deion went to bed tonight, but he didn’t just waste his time daydreaming about computer games and his Christmas presents. He used his time productively to do maths sums. He was practicing his times tables and his adding up. What a genius.

How proud/smug I was when he announced that he ‘was doing maths sums mum!’ as I said goodnight on my way past his room. No way could I moan at him about still being awake now!

“What a good boy,” I said

“Yep!” I’ve figured out that in my life I’ve had approximately nine thousand seven hundred and forty two poops!!!”

What????

I was speechless, unsure of what to say, I just said, “well done Deion, what good maths.”

He went on to tell me that he timed the number of times he goes with the days, weeks, years e.t.c. then continued to tell me that as I am always telling him he is above average, he added a couple extra…ingenious!

“Do you want me to work out how many times you’ve been mum?” he asked.

“No thanks,” I said weakly.

Well Robyn and Jordan heard, and were falling about laughing, and proceeded to help Deion work out how many times various family members have used the toilet.

Its all maths I guess, but sometimes that’s just too much information. Let’s just hope they don’t announce their results to their Grandma, that should be a fun announcement.

Take care

Sal xxx

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hi Everyone,

Just a very quick blog to say "HAPPY NEW YEAR" wishing all of you a happy, healthy, prosperous and exciting new year.

We are very excited about where 2009 will take us with regards to the blogs, the charity and even our salsa!!!

All the very best to you all...now go and nurse those hangovers!

Sal and Trojan xxx

OUCH!

Now, as you may know from some of the photos you’ve seen already, I quite like tattoos, they are expressive, pretty and feminine (if the subject matter is right) and I already have a couple. My younger brother Danny is a tattoo artist and while we were away he tattooed a portrait of Aaron for me, I think you’ll agree that it came out really lovely, it’s so accurate it’s scary and I love it. It’s made a couple of people cry, and I can’t stop looking at it in the mirror.

But then we got carried away. Because the one of Aaron didn’t hurt, and because I have some on my back, spine, inside my wrist, that also didn’t hurt, I decided to got for a foot and ankle one. I wanted an image of the type of lilies we scattered with Aarons ashes…and as you can see, its lovely…but OH MY GOD!!!!

Danny warned me it feels different on the foot. And okay, I was a little nervous about some of the stories I’ve heard…but I wasn’t quite prepared, I was gripping the chair so hard I had the imprint of it on my hands, and only when Danny had to remind me to breathe every now and again did I realise I was holding my breath. ‘I thought I was hard’ I wailed to Danny’s laughter!

I let the kids watch the other one, so they all sat watching Danny outline some lilies across the top of my foot. After a minute I smiled sweetly, and then asked them to go and play so I could swear under my breath a few times. I didn’t think my language was so bad, but Danny said something about tattooing sailors and listening to less cussing!!! Then Danny just shrugged when I said he’d hit the bone, after all, he is an artist and it’s about getting the picture right, not lessening the pain.

After two hours, it was finished, and I wanted to cry, but looking down at it, I was more than happy and would gladly (sadly) do it again. Maybe not without an epidural though!

So I am pleased, Dave thinks they are lovely too, and of course, Aaron is the centre of attention, just as he knew he should be.

Sal and Aaron xxx

National Lampoons Xmas Vacation!!!

Sorry, I know I said I’d be back the other day, but I’m having trouble getting in the right time zone. I’ve been getting a bit more sleep lately too as I went and got all chilled out, so now there really are less hours in the day. Now, I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m complaining, and as Dave and my brothers said when I complained after feeling groggy from my first night of five hours sleep, “that’s how you’re supposed to feel when you wake up you dozy cow…you’re not supposed to go from sleep to wonder woman in a tenth of a second.” Well that was news to me.

I’ve loaded a few photos for you, this is my family, and we had a brilliant Christmas. But I mean it is us...so not all ran smoothly, my brother insisted on frying the turkey, not something I heard of, but big in America, and after all the fuss I made, it almost burnt me to admit that it was delicious, non-greasy and best of all only took and hour and a quarter to fry and twenty three pound bird. I wanted to raid the kitchen and see what else we could fry, veggies, chocolate, the toaster…but they wouldn’t let me. Such spoil sports.

By the time the kids had finished opening presents it looked like we lived in a toy shop, and I have to say, kids toys are getting better and better. My nephews got the guitar hero for the wii and Dave was the one on his back on the floor, spinning around in circles like a demented rock star….his excuse was that ‘you have to show the kids how its done’ I guess my brother was just grateful he didn’t smash it into the TV or set it alight.


We ate too much, drank too much, fell off of skateboards and almost ran Dave over in the golf cart, but generally it was great. We were sorry to leave, even if my brothers breathed a huge sigh of relief at our departure.

But joking aside, it is hard having family so far away. It’s not so bad because we have e-mail, phone, facebook and of course blogging, but it’s not the same as being able to give the kids cuddles when we like. Its lovely to go and stay and have quality time together, and the kids just slip right back into it as if they’ve never been apart. Everyone just gets so big while we’re gone.


So we are looking forward to getting back out there getting some sunshine and seeing our old friend Mickey Mouse…

Take care

Sal, Dave, Aaron, Jordan, Robyn, Deion, Garry, Claire, Zoe, harry, Connor, Lilly, Danny, Kelly, Rhys, Lewis and Tyler xxxxxxxxxxx

Back home!

Well, we’re home after a lovely holiday in Orlando and some lovely family times together over Christmas and the lead up to it. We did a lot of swimming, said ‘Hi’ to Mickey Mouse (he never seems to age!) and ate our body weight in ice cream regularly!

It was a little harsh landing to the solitary stingy one degree weather though. To think ten hours previously we were all sitting by the pool sipping cool drinks in the ninety degree heat!!! (non-alcoholic…of course!!!)

I’m almost over the jet lag, and almost back on British time (if I ever was on such a thing in the first place!). And now the kids have finally let me on one of the computers after catching up with their friends/downloading ring tones/synchronising i-pods.

I’m not going to go into to much detail now, I have lots of news, lots of photos and one of the best things is that I got some great insight into some of the reasons about how I hold onto the grief about Aaron and all that surrounds that.

So I’m off to get some sleep now, tomorrow I’ll start posting some photos and blogging. I would have done more while we were away, but everywhere we went there were problems with the computers, so after the first couple of attempts, I gave up and decided it was a sign, so now you’ll be sick of me again in no time!

Take care

Sal xxx

11th December 2008

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is my birthday; I am embarking on the last year that I’ll be able to say I’m in my thirties!

I am always in two minds of how to celebrate now. It is very close to Aaron’s birthday, so it feels a little weird to be celebrating my own birthday, when I couldn’t share Aaron’s with him…on the other hand, Aaron would be very disappointed in me if I didn’t at least stuff myself with cake, he loved his cake, and is famous for eating half a big Thomas the tank engine cake in one sitting…we just laughed because if there’d been time, he’d have eaten the whole thing. So I’ll over indulge…just for Aaron you understand!

In all seriousness though, its not just about me is it, its about setting an example for the kids and making sure they know they still have to celebrate and have fun….I’d never forgive myself if they grew up feeling guilty for celebrating special occasions. That would be the last thing Aaron would want. I know I wont be able to stop thinking about my first birthday after having Aaron, we were still in the hospital, he was in special care, my mum and sisters came up with presents and a cake and my little sister asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and the only thing I wanted was Aaron out of special care. We were home a few days later in time for our first Christmas as a family.

Between Aaron and Deion, and winter being the time for them to be ill, I’ve spent quite a few birthdays in hospital. This year we’re in Orlando with family, escaping the cold weather and hopefully won’t be going anywhere near a hospital.

The kids want to do something, so we’ll probably go to the cinema or out to eat…or both, and I certainly won’t be saying no to breakfast in bed…who would!

I must say, I don’t feel any different…I don’t feel any different now to how I did when I was twenty, or twenty five…its only when I look in the mirror and think ‘bloody hell, how did that happen!’

Sal xxx